Thursday, February 10, 2011

THIS is the end of "THIS"

It's been a while since we last spoke. I apologize for that. Sometimes life bends you over, begins thrusting, and loses track of time. I'm still bent over, mind you, it just seems life took a water break.

I know the title of this post is "This is the end of 'THIS'" but don't think it means it's the end of this, it's just the end of "THIS." Got it?

Yea, I thought it was clever to start all the titles of the posts with "THIS." It worked for a while until I got tired of working so hard to come up with fitting titles that started with "THIS." So this is the end of "THIS." After this, of course.

So, since it's been so long, instead of a rant about how retards are useless or government is inefficient or people are generally stupid or any other 30,000 foot view from my pedestal, how about I just level with you and talk about what's new?

I spent all of last fall/winter in a drunken stupor because I hated going home and bars stayed open late. Come New Year's Eve, I made up my mind I was going sober. Surprisingly, I did.

I promised 30 days. I made it 14. But c'mon, sobriety is fucking boring. I don't know how people do it. Alcohol has been the only thing that has ever made this life tolerable. When I was sober, I spent my time waiting to sleep.

But that was only the first few days. After the newness wore off I began to find new hobbies and old responsibilities to fill my time. After 14 days I was not the old lush of 2010; no, I was the slightly-less-lush of 2011. I deserved a drink.

So here we are, a month forward from that time, and I drink far less than I work. That's definitely a 180 from last year. But I forgot how much work responsibility was.

I had to buy one of those day planners. Not just the standard, week-by-week, or even day-by-day. I had to go for the one broken down into 15 minute increments. And I cried a little when I saw the one that ran from 8-5, because I knew I needed the one that ran from 5-8.

It's come to the point now where I write things like "clean," "laundry," and "sleep" in empty time slots with question marks beside them.

It is my sincere belief that I could rise to be one of the world's most successful people, Time's man of the year, if I could have the following three things:

1) a secretary

2) a staff

3) blowjobs upon request

With these three simple things, I could free up my time spent scheduling, free up my resources spent researching, free up my hands spent masturbating... To think, the things I could be!

Unfortunately, I don't have these things. And why don't I have these things? Because I don't have money. I don't have money because my parents didn't have money. They didn't have money because their parents didn't have money. And so it goes...

Until me, of course, because I'm not a parent. I'm entitled to not have money. I'd like to have money and have many plans to have money, but don't we all...

I've considered saving some money but I realize that I spend most of the money I have pretending I have money I don't. And if I keep spending money to maintain a facade of having money I don't, I won't. But I know I will, so I can't. Because if I do, then I won't.

And there it is. I need money to have a secretary and staff. I need a secretary and staff to get the money I need to get the secretary and staff. So alone, with no money, no secretary, no staff, and no blowjobs on-demand, I dream of what could be.