Tuesday, November 16, 2010

THIS is the plague of man

                   Photo by: Hardcore Shutterbug

Did you know that velociraptors, one of the smallest of predatory dinosaurs, could coordinate to attack and kill beasts over 50 times their size? I say this to say children scare the shit out of me. And I am at a loss as to why so many people my age and younger seem to have kids.

Well, I understand why they have them; God says condoms are from the devil. My real confusion is why they are happy about it. I find it hard to believe I could be excited about a shitting, puking, screaming pint-sized mutant who will take up a good portion of my time, resources and money for at least 18 years. Yet, somehow, these people find a void outside of rationality to think this soul-sucker is the greatest thing to ever happen and they have plenty of pictures and stories to bore you with.

But since there is no reasoning with such people, I have come up with a couple rules to be implemented to deal with young parents who have not yet learned common decency. First, walking, speaking one syllable words, and waving "bye" are not talents, they are part of the evolutionary process. If your kid manages to do these things before turning two he has simply proven he's not retarded. If he's taking his first step at 27, then I'm willing to listen as I enjoy encouraging stories of hope.

Second, If you choose to get on a plane with a child under the age of 12, it is your responsibility to buy drinks for everyone on the plane. And don't be stingy. It is open bar for all passengers who have to deal with your "little angel" screaming incessantly as though his oxygen is provided from some unseen source.

Third, do not say "please" and "thank you" to your child when he is being a little shit. Respect is reserved for those who respect you and, unfortunately, you cannot kill him with kindness so it is a lose-lose.

Fourth, and probably most important, if you have not yet had a child but are giving it some consideration, take a look at your most recent paycheck. If your salary ends in the words "per hour," maybe put it off a while, Jack. And if you are unable to properly operate a condom, diaphragm, or daily pill, take a day's pay down to the free clinic and purchase a year's supply of morning-after pills. Grind them up and hide them in your cheese.

I know everyone has their own agenda and plans for life. I simply try to take a more pragmatic approach. As I see it, the world is over populated, humans are polluting at an unprecedented rate, and everyone is talking about going green. Well I'm doing my part; I'm not having any kids.

1 comment:

  1. this post is hilarious. i love your choice of words and it's all true. i still want kids but i'm definitely not trying to have any right now haha